Friday, June 29, 2012

Wracks sail black seas

The path from lethe wreaks wraiths

path in stone wracks rage new

from stone they turned from toils

lethe wracks turned burnt red sail

wreaks rage from red ash black

wraiths new toils sail black seas

My second try:

Remember the true past that made you

the cast shadow that made you new

true shadow. of your self desiring love

past that. your. soul shed from time

that made. self. shed into nothing. again

made. you. desiring. from nothing. what is

you. new. love. time. again. is. not

This is a bit of fun writing a square poem, explained by Sam Peralta on the deversepoets.com blog.


I decided to take the Louis Zukofsky route, though I think unsuccessfully.

The poem turns on the double meaning of wracks which can be to ruin or wreck or as a noun, a derelict ship.

 

15 comments:

  1. Hard to get your tongue awround and not to go awry as that wreaches wright and wrong.
    A proper wheelwright written square.
    [Glad to learn from your profile persona that you are in work now :-)]

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  2. Well-turned Carroll square poem here, with the additional linguistic fun of a tongue-twister.

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  3. I like the burnt red sail into the black seas ~

    Nice form too ~

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  4. you certainly gave us a work out of the tongue with all your R sounds...smiles...and i like the play on words with other meanings as well...these are def the tricks i admire of word play....nice imagery as well sir

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  5. now this is a nice tongue twister...tried to read it loud and my tongue is all in a knot now..smiles...loved the raging from red ash black esp..

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  6. Goodness, that's a challenging romp. I enjoyed the additional rush of your diction and my resulting mental and lingual gymnastics. So well done!

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    Replies
    1. everyone's been so kind. This is not that great, but I appreciate the thought! :) It's too reminiscent of Zukofsky for comfort, without the mastery.

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    2. everyone's been so kind. This is not that great, but I appreciate the thought! :) It's too reminiscent of Zukofsky for comfort, without the mastery.

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  7. Definitely a tongue-twister! Love this line: "Remember the true past that made you"

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  8. I think it was excellent, wordplay and alliteration throughout and keeping to the sense. I liked the first almost as well as the second. It was the route I took, this time. I liked the challenge of all one syllable words.

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  9. Enjoyed both, the second especially. ~ Rose

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  10. I think these were wonderfully done- intriguing and musical. I would opt for more conventional punctuation- I know people laugh at me about it, but I think it's a really important tool to convey content and nuances in content. I know you've opted for sound punctuation=-I guess I'd try dashes there. Making rests always hard. k.

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  11. Brilliant! I just love everything about the first version.

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  12. It kind of weaves a spell, almost a tongue twister.

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