path in stone wracks rage new
from stone they turned from toils
lethe wracks turned burnt red sail
wreaks rage from red ash black
wraiths new toils sail black seas
My second try:
Remember the true past that made youthe cast shadow that made you new
true shadow. of your self desiring love
past that. your. soul shed from time
that made. self. shed into nothing. again
made. you. desiring. from nothing. what is
you. new. love. time. again. is. not
This is a bit of fun writing a square poem, explained by Sam Peralta on the deversepoets.com blog.
I decided to take the Louis Zukofsky route, though I think unsuccessfully.
The poem turns on the double meaning of wracks which can be to ruin or wreck or as a noun, a derelict ship.
Posted with Blogsy
Hard to get your tongue awround and not to go awry as that wreaches wright and wrong.
ReplyDeleteA proper wheelwright written square.
[Glad to learn from your profile persona that you are in work now :-)]
Well-turned Carroll square poem here, with the additional linguistic fun of a tongue-twister.
ReplyDeleteI like the burnt red sail into the black seas ~
ReplyDeleteNice form too ~
you certainly gave us a work out of the tongue with all your R sounds...smiles...and i like the play on words with other meanings as well...these are def the tricks i admire of word play....nice imagery as well sir
ReplyDeletenow this is a nice tongue twister...tried to read it loud and my tongue is all in a knot now..smiles...loved the raging from red ash black esp..
ReplyDeleteGoodness, that's a challenging romp. I enjoyed the additional rush of your diction and my resulting mental and lingual gymnastics. So well done!
ReplyDeleteeveryone's been so kind. This is not that great, but I appreciate the thought! :) It's too reminiscent of Zukofsky for comfort, without the mastery.
Deleteeveryone's been so kind. This is not that great, but I appreciate the thought! :) It's too reminiscent of Zukofsky for comfort, without the mastery.
DeleteDefinitely a tongue-twister! Love this line: "Remember the true past that made you"
ReplyDeleteI think it was excellent, wordplay and alliteration throughout and keeping to the sense. I liked the first almost as well as the second. It was the route I took, this time. I liked the challenge of all one syllable words.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed both, the second especially. ~ Rose
ReplyDeleteI liked the first one.
ReplyDeleteI think these were wonderfully done- intriguing and musical. I would opt for more conventional punctuation- I know people laugh at me about it, but I think it's a really important tool to convey content and nuances in content. I know you've opted for sound punctuation=-I guess I'd try dashes there. Making rests always hard. k.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant! I just love everything about the first version.
ReplyDeleteIt kind of weaves a spell, almost a tongue twister.
ReplyDelete